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- Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
- There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris
allows to live.
- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
- The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
- There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
- Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
- The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease
2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.
- Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
- Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.
- Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.
-
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
(New!)
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia
Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
- Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the
world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
- Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons,
breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun
blast standing.
- The Great Wall of China was originally created to
keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
- Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the
box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most
venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being
bitten, a human being experiences the following
symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness
of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked
through a car windshield.
- Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck
Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
- If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always
says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds
'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
- Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in
human skulls.
- When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank
forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched
and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay
taxes, ever.
- The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck
Norris' fist.
- Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's
famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But
nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
- CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris
Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass
kicking in real-time.
- Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only
three moves.
- There is no theory of evolution, just a list of
creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
- Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one
hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his
waitress.
- What was going through the minds of all of Chuck
Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
- Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick
wall in a game of tennis.
- Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code
45-11.... a suicide.
- Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse
kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he
disembowels them.
- A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that
this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in
fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris
and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
- Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His
state flower will be the Magnolia.
- Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed
off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
- If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win.
Forever.
- Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street
Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers
because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick.
When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's
no glitch."
- Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once
and he will roundhouse you in the face.
- The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan"
is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris
played in second grade.
- Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane
with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
- Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry
without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck
Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over
14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An
embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and
still owes him a beer.
- Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
- Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that
roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone.
This has been recorded by historians as the worst
mistake anyone has ever made.
- Contrary to popular belief, America is not a
democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true
story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and
when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and
had learned karate.
- Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are
hung like Chuck Norris.
- Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than
a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single
bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up
exercises.
- Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the
Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know
both exactly where and how quickly he will
roundhouse-kick you in the face.
- In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then
Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
- Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can
actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your
descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and
yell "What The Hell was That?"
- Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck
Norris.
- Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity
involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is
even more badass than in this one. When it was
discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck
Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert
Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
- Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood
baths.
- The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the
game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could
defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one
turn.
- In an average living room there are 1,242 objects
Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room
itself.
- According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native
American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere
that Chuck Norris walks.
- Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He
potato-sacks them.
- Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British
soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space
after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
- When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines
the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a
bucket.
- There are no steroids in baseball. Just players
Chuck Norris has breathed on.
- Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a
"Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by
5.
- Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby
Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until
he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the
preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and
arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three
died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related
injuries.
- Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
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