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- Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw
porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in
diesel fuel.
- If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If
Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind
behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
- In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would
be Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like
the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
- Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
- Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an
iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck
Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
- Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16.
Seconds.
- The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and
Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after
going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a
movie fourteen seconds long.
- Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
- Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives
he had killed and eaten.
- Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck
Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people
to kill.
- The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in
which case, forget it buddy!
- For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck
Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.
- Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck
Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly
to Superman.
- Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was
roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which
sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface
of Iraq.
- Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been
Chucked.
- Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the
street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
- Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard
picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them
into audible sound.
- How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center
of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it
is.
- The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck
Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm,
indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their
injuries. This never proved to be the case.
- When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
- If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also
spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are
understood.
- Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will
bite your damn eyes off.
- Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a
man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will
beat his ass and take it.
- Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was
hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a
baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.
- The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas
Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.
- Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck
Norris' basement".
- The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to
describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an
aircraft hangar.
- Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen
from outer space by the naked eye.
- Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris
bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
- He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives
by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
- The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the
worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
- The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind
Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell
phone off.
- Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the
set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis'
Career.
- Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without
proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot
sized brusies on the face.
- Chuck Norris can taste lies.
- Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact,
Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is
currently recorded to be in the billions.
- One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It
destroyed the entire state of Ohio.
- Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris
roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
- In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization
"Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were
"Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any
drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.
- Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
- They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade'
after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded
to barbecue and eat him.
- Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
- Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in
that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex
Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.
- 4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a
solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained,
needlessly brutal deaths.
- Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.
- The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck
Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
- Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no
survivors.
- With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning
to worry about his drinking habit.
- The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to
square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
- chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce
tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and
destroy.
- To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck
Norris.
- Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call
one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?
- There are two types of people in the world... people that
suck, and Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet
itself out of fear.
- If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris
your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in
theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?
- 70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris'
weight is his dick.
- Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was
then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.
- The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck
Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case,
the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.
- Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
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