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- Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved
himself in the Atlantic Ocean.
- Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to
duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two
showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver.
- MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and
Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar
plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.
- Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture
techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck
Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with
it. Game, set, match.
- Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he
forgets to kill the cow.
- The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither
be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet
site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
- It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your
future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death
by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
- Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the
definition of mercy.
- Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris
with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris
cannot be in two places at the same time.
- Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always
slick with blood.
- When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a
personal insult.
- Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of
the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of
the head, and a stroke of the beard.
- 182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every
year.
- Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper,
but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
- All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property,
a roundhouse kick to the face.
- If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just
cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other
way around.
- July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born.
Coincidence? i think not.
- Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are
unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have
no teeth.
- In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris
Disease"
- Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
- If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for
his three-hole-punch.
- In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris".
Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face
by Chuck Norris.
- The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck
Norris.
- Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If
you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then
you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
- When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world
economy.
- Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But
only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he
roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.
- Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
- Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always
replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse
kick to the face.
- As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He
gave the world Stonehenge.
- Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did
what it was told.
- Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a
promising Rookie".
- There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds,
and Chuck Norris.
- President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris
carried his the same distance in half the time.
- Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
- Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992
exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from
Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
- Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the
Daytona 500, without a car.
- Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee
grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
- Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
- The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-.
These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.
- Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed
them out.
- A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was
promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first
time.
- Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
- Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout
the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream
and Hot Pockets.
- Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.
- Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a
planet that Chuck Norris is on.
- When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It
is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.
- Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles
while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people
die.
- Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris
asks for a body bag.
- There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris....
Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
- A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles".
Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he
exploded.
- Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from
Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine,
and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a
syringe.
- In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan
against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the
same time.
- Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
- Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and
fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th
one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
- For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge
underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
- In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done
with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every
character.
- We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get
away from Chuck Norris.
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